Saturday, February 20, 2010

If You Ever Hear These, Run!!!

Honey, I'm sorry
But it's so late
I just got mine
Can't you wait?

I don't feel good
You took too long to come to bed
Why are you so angry?
Sure, you can give me head

He makes up all these excuses
only wishing for a "pucker"
You are never worth the effort to him
because he is a fist fucker!

Friday, February 19, 2010



I gave you all my soul. I only wanted you to feel loved by me.


I ended up the fool, waiting with a smile, hoping you would return my love some day.


That we could digress. That you thought time would mend me. That I would forget.


You believe I can accept it. That you prefer yourself to me.


During all this destruction, you lost me.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Up, Up and Away!

It just dawned on me. The reason why we stay in our obviously destructive relationships is due to fear. The fear of starting over, the fear of waking in the middle of the night to find yourself alone. Worse yet, imagine getting drunk and phoning the bastard (or bitch) that dumped you (or you just dumped) to confess that you are feeling lonely.  Now how pathetic would that be? Blame it on the booze...

Let me give you a word of advice - you get over it faster than you realize it. For some of us (namely me), we cannot admit defeat. We would rather lick  our wounds and experience more emotional injury than admit to the reality that we are in an all-fails affair. We probably are bum magnets. Why, we smoke them out and reel them in! It sucks to realize this at this point in my life. What was I thinking? I cannot possibly correct the damage on this one.

I will face my fears. I am going to examine my options. I will seek out new ventures. I can no longer be afraid. Besides, you are only given what you can handle. You will be my guide. You are my outlet. You are my speakers. Thank goodness for blogging!

Wednesday, February 17, 2010


How it pains me, as an adult, to see life and happiness. To be unable to experience real love in a relationship is a very challenging ordeal. The longing in my soul is a heavy burden to bear. There is no one out there for me to seek out for I am trapped. I hunger for sincerity and devotion, yet I live with denial and lies. I embrace each one in the darkness despite my pain. Eternal devotion to shit!

The legacy I leave behind me upon my death is not a fruitful one. Sacrifice is all I can recall at this point. It is only experience and advice that I have given them through the years that I can bestow to my following. Having experienced almost everything once (twice, if I enjoyed it), I have little else to share. They do not know me, they only need me. They do not care for me; they are only concerned for themselves.

If there is one lesson taught to me these last ten years, it is that you are always alone regardless of the circumstances. Those that pretend to surround you with affection are mere leeches. Don't  fear or fret; it will do you no good to argue for their spare attention. You can only enjoy what you have before you, so you should never settle for less. Do not accept that meager existence of a man or woman - there will always be another. The next one will always be better unless you repeat your pathetic pattern of self-abuse. Don't live your life the way I have, you will only wish you weren't here. Life is truly bittersweet.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Valentine's Day Disaster

The verdict is in: guilty on all counts. That is how you would deem me. That would be your determination. You have discovered the ugliness of me and all of the anger and the terrible thoughts that continue to haunt me. To describe my torment, you need only to envision a woman in tears who is screaming in pain. Her pain is in her heart and soul as she digs into the earth with her finger nails. She is trying desperately to reach the center of the earth to uncover it. She is filthy and writhing as she tries to break free. Her remorse is her crutch. Her silence is her punishment.

Yesterday, that evil escaped me. On Valentine’s Day I became a complete disaster. I formally announced my anger in public. I have anger issues. I have a dirty mouth. I am in pain. I let everyone know. What am I going to do with me? Worse yet, what are they going to do to me now?

It has become obvious that I have issues - you need only read my blog to prove that point. However, I really want to have a balanced life. I strive to become more patient and agreeable. So many people count on me, you know? Or maybe I wish they did. Maybe, just maybe, I want to count on someone but I am unable to find the person I can trust. You really need to understand me. You are reading about a woman who is a lost child inside. She just needs that special person whom she can turn to for reassurance. Surely someone has to be out there that can help her find her way?

Well, it’s too late for that now. I have scheduled an appointment with a therapist, despite my better judgment (I believe they are not worth the money), but I have to try something. I don’t want to feel this pain anymore. I nurture it. I embrace it. I accepted it for a while. Now I want to confront it and to find a place for it because it is tipping the scales of my life to a negative place. I have come to a spiraling halt. There is more negativity than positive poise. I need to get out of this before it consumes me completely.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Where Did The Bitch Come From?

While growing up, most girls would play with dolls, enjoy tea parties, pretend they were cooking, or play "House." They sometimes had “babies” that they would care for when they played together. Never, while growing up, did they decide they would be “bitches.”

When I was little, I watched life through a window. Behind my security blanket of glass, I would experience adventures and sadness without the blink of an eye. When I became a teenager, I evolved. I was 13 years old. The summer was full of excitement and adventure. I was going into high school in the Fall! That was the summer when I fell for a complete asshole (he was 18 years old). Of course, at the end of the summer he left me for a younger girl (she was 12 - he became obsessed with virgins after he broke me). I grew up fast.

I became outspoken, aggressive and wild. You could say the animal that was caged within me all those years (hey, to a 13 year old, that is a long time!) finally broke free. My first love led me to become a bitch. It took me 15 years to figure that one out. I hurt quite a few guys and I got bit back. A vicious circle that took years to control (actually, I am still working on it - smile).

I read tons of articles. Mostly bullshit, but some stories were rather interesting. For example, did you know cereal was invented to treat masturbation? Masturbation was considered an illness at one point in history. Some fools (physicians of the time) actually decided that part of the problem was hot breakfasts. Also, I recall reading about a point in time when women were sent to see professional physicians, or placed in asylums if their symptoms were severe, to treat their “insanity” (later to be termed sexuality and orgasms). How is that for a slap in the face?

We work just as hard as men (we actually work harder), but maintain a presence of compliance and submission. Then, to add insults to injury, we fight for our rights to be treated as equals. “He” gave it to us all right: we now work all day for half the pay, compete against men for employment, and return to our homes for our next “shift” as wife, cook, and mother. So much for equal rights. Sexist bastards.

Should we blame ourselves for all that has happened to us? Did we ask for it? You really think so?

I believe that there was an influence in our lives as we grew up. A dad, an uncle or perhaps a friend of the family? Someone who might have subliminally suggested that we, as girls, would some day grow up to date that type of character. He could be a nice guy, or he could be an asshole. That all depends on how you grew up. Period.

Do you believe Man created the “Bitch?”