Monday, May 9, 2011



I have been around. I have seen more than I can recount. I laugh lovingly at each interaction. I believe I should be open to all around me. Life is a circle that I know too well. Denial is only embracing hell. I have seen more than I care to admit. Albeit, I will not be harsh because I am fearful of the impact it may bestow upon me.

Reflection and haunting have enlightened me. A natural witch, I choose not to laugh at the signs that are thrown before me. It will come soon, I say to myself. I know all too well the bellowing winds, the cat o' nines, the bloody tears.

Do not take lightly that which has been given to you. There is so much more out there... so much more worse that you can ever imagine.

Love freely. Love unconditionally. Give all that you would like given to you. Only then can you achieve balance. For everything you do, it will only come back to you threefold.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Give it Freely

That meek old man whom you call "Father", whom you embrace
That indifferent woman that you make fun of right in her face

All he regales are years of wisdom in an effort to change his past
She claims he should be disregarded; someone should shut him up fast

He holds his ground, that you should not strike
You should love your kids and do what's right

Everyone just laughs him off, thinking lightly off his plight
For he should know, he hurt me dearly every night
and I loved him so, despite the fight

She was cold, and hated well
and with each blow, I embraced hell
I tasted blood and lost my way
I felt the pain and fell astray

They let me go when I was very young
Not feeling guilt, they felt no wrong

They closed their eyes to all I did
And with each day, I closed each lid

Against the pain, the tears, and wrong
Each passing day, I grew and I kept it strong

I hear his voice, I recall her tears
Even now, after all these years

I love my babes, Now I understand
That if you love you should never lay a hand

Yes, I learned well:

Pain never recovers fault
Disregard never claims nor halts
Memories will always come and go
And given time, you will let it go...

Give love freely... allow them to grow...
When I am ashes, then you will know...

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Quite the Epiphany

Staring blankly at the page, I light up my first cigarette. It has been almost a year since I quit. While the pain is crippling me with each passing moment, my face still reflects a smile. I muster up the courage to move forward so that I can release myself; I pour a glass of brandy while he waits. After all, it is only Death that comes to see me. I have seen worse and I have lived to tell it.

The first time we crossed paths was long ago. I was barely 10 years old, but I was given a choice then. We haven't seen each other in a long time since. He disguised himself well, but he scared me all the same. I was too young to understand at the time that he would be my only solace and companion throught it all. And I tested Death daily as I grew older. He would stay close during each of my ventures, prompting me to urge for more. It was when I turned 20 that even he couldn't entertain me. The game was getting old. I was getting old. I wanted Life. But he had other things in store for me.

Desperate and impatient, my new comfort became closets. I was obsessed with them. In the dark crevices of each, I would conceal my dark secrets, my hidden desires, and my blatant disregard for people. I preferred a strong drink, a forbidden drug, or a loud song, with a good conquest to close the closet for the day and a cool dip in the ocean to refresh myself at night. Feelings were not a consideration, nor were they up for discussion. Benefits were my priority. Did I have to care? They were provided with all they requested of me wihtout question. I just played along. Foolish heart to see different, for I was merely a reflection of their imagination.

I never asked for love, I took it. It replenished me. It motivated me, but it never moved me. My heart was never involved. That was never an option. I could not give you something I never had. That ever-beating, lasting impression that exemplifies Life (and Love). I despised it. I was an empty shell that harbored a beating heart, but my heart maintained itself with despair. If you sought me out, don't blame me. I became what you wanted and then I moved on; you should have known better if you thought you could tame me. You should have known better.

That is when Life stepped in. She was beautiful. She was awe-inspiring and she was mine. Before she came to be, anyone could have her. And there would be quite a few who would dared to challenge to own her, but I fled to keep her selfishly for me. Her tiny eyes sought me for security. Her fragile arms held me close during the night. Like a wild animal, I kept her close and I attacked anyone who would come near her. She was the one who brought me back to life.

She was the Life that I needed and it was a rush like I never experienced before. I found myself aching to seek out knowledge so that I can share it with her. I worked to provide an education for myself in her name, to nurture her, and to be her companion forever. It was my selfishness that clouded my Life in the end. It was my heart's turn to be broken. That is where I truly experienced pain. It was displayed through the eyes of another; a Life that I brought into this world had betrayed me.

I created a family in an effort to sustain her. I created another life in order to entertain her. I chained myself in order to secure her, and I sacrificed my very essence in an effort to protect who she became. She left me all the same and she betrayed me. Death found another opportunity to knock on my door. I left the door unlocked this time in order to welcome him. I wanted to know what he had to offer. It turned out that he was never out to kill me. I did a fine job doing that on my own. Rather, he was waiting patiently for that first Life to leave me so that so that I could realize I had a Life all along.

He realized that I was in pain. He knew I was hiding behind medcations. He knew I lost my strength and my resolve, so he came to take me away. I was not afraid of his determination. He has been by my side through it all. I lit up another cigarette as I considered his aggressive decision. He was saving me from myself all along. As I let the last drop of brandy drop from my lips, it become clear to me that Death only meant Life for another. And it was time for the old me to die so that I could move on. Quite the epiphany if I say so myself...

"Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep; If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul do take" (recollection of a prayer from childhood)

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Forgotten Dolls

So many years, I have been so many people; locked in a box made of glass; perhaps they were mirrors reflecting the needs of another, as my needs were of the lowest class;

In darkness I gaze at my hands while they motion the next victim to come unto me - Venus fly trap, a black widow spider perhaps, I would sting their hearts ever gracefully.

Dancing in circles, a child unloved; no welcoming, just receiving a fist. Dazed and confused, I continued the dark path and added yet another to my list.

They never know me, they haven't a care; lusting to touch me, abusing me everywhere... until the doll was only representative of despair.

My hair is now matted and my heart has no beat; My arms are scarred from the blades of the street.

The doll had no dollhouse no friendship or calling; just the chill of dark tears as she felt herself falling....

Monday, November 8, 2010


If you have no friendship,
there is no passion;
without passion there is no love,
without love there is no friendship

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Is Anybody There?

Sacrificing all, hiding shyly in vain
Wasting time while enduring the pain
Besides the guilt, I have little to gain
By the time you reach me, I'll already be slain...


I took a drive one day to find the poor faces that I heard of; each face instead displayed a sense of pride - a glow of intense love; To think that I would dare complain when they have so much more than me - a plywood box that they call home, this family of three.

They share no battle, there is no fear, content to have each other; as I drove on I was greeted by so many - no shoes or food - happy to have a mother; I finally reached the place I searched for, way atop a hill; a cemetary with a view of all, the bones are glistening still.

Here we stand, in luxury appalled, trying to convince ourselves they would feel better in different places. Never mind we are the hypocrites who thrive on others' disgraces.

If you take a deeper look you will realize it is you that has already fallen; back into the earth that you worked to keep for so long just to find a grave to crawl in.