Think About Living

I lived in a grayish white cloud. Sometimes I would laugh; most times I would cry. No one loved me. No one cared. Memories faded and my vision was blurred. I barely could walk. People would come and go. There would be pressure and liquor-scented kisses. I felt nothing more. When the cloud would begin to fade, I would shower and I would get dressed. Sometimes I was hungry, but I always needed to get back into the cloud.

I lived in a purple haze. Laughing nervously, I would drink as though I never had a drop of liquid before. The thirst was never quenched. I would shake. Sex was endless. It was an action high. Sometimes I would push it to the limit, then I would be afraid to fall asleep. I thought I would never wake up again.

I lived in white dust. Sometimes it stung me, but on other occasions it felt sweet. I talked too much. I would dance and drink the night away. I was in love with whoever gave me the most supply. I couldn’t be still. Days would pass and I would not sleep. I would turn into a zombie. I would act like an indifferent whore, only to crawl to the bathroom to clean up. I would seek out some kindness to replenish my soul, only to fall into the dust again. Depressed, I would reach into the fridge for a drink. I put my mask back on to get out there every night.

I lived in fear. I couldn’t remember the places I frequented. I didn’t recall who invited me there. I have forgotten most of their names. Haunted by their faces and faded memories, I am determined to move forward. I didn’t want to ever see those people again. I burned most of my belongings and I threw out my old clothes. I pawned all of my valuable items and I drove far away from where I believed it all began. I sought out a new place to start over.

I now live in hope. I am focused on securing stability and harmony. I have achieved most of my goals and I have succeeded in business. I have a home. I now thirst for clarity and understanding. I am thankful that I was able to achieve this life. I have become a private person who embraces seclusion. Although lonely at times, I feel safe. I have my own family. I have a purpose.

All those years ago where I thought I lived, I consider a joke to me. I am glad I have a life now.