Valentine's Day Disaster

The verdict is in: guilty on all counts. That is how you would deem me. That would be your determination. You have discovered the ugliness of me and all of the anger and the terrible thoughts that continue to haunt me. To describe my torment, you need only to envision a woman in tears who is screaming in pain. Her pain is in her heart and soul as she digs into the earth with her finger nails. She is trying desperately to reach the center of the earth to uncover it. She is filthy and writhing as she tries to break free. Her remorse is her crutch. Her silence is her punishment.

Yesterday, that evil escaped me. On Valentine’s Day I became a complete disaster. I formally announced my anger in public. I have anger issues. I have a dirty mouth. I am in pain. I let everyone know. What am I going to do with me? Worse yet, what are they going to do to me now?

It has become obvious that I have issues - you need only read my blog to prove that point. However, I really want to have a balanced life. I strive to become more patient and agreeable. So many people count on me, you know? Or maybe I wish they did. Maybe, just maybe, I want to count on someone but I am unable to find the person I can trust. You really need to understand me. You are reading about a woman who is a lost child inside. She just needs that special person whom she can turn to for reassurance. Surely someone has to be out there that can help her find her way?

Well, it’s too late for that now. I have scheduled an appointment with a therapist, despite my better judgment (I believe they are not worth the money), but I have to try something. I don’t want to feel this pain anymore. I nurture it. I embrace it. I accepted it for a while. Now I want to confront it and to find a place for it because it is tipping the scales of my life to a negative place. I have come to a spiraling halt. There is more negativity than positive poise. I need to get out of this before it consumes me completely.