Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Me

Me? I’ve lived my life. I’ve cried my tears. I’ve shed my blood. Still, here lies my curse: I will never know who loved me. I will never know if I ever truly loved another.

I have given it all: I sacrificed, I stole, I cheated and I lied (on all the right occasions). Whatever it took I tried it, yet still I have never known the person who dares to love me as I am. Perhaps my true self is too frightening, even for me. Surely, it is solely my fault, for I am whatever I need to be whenever need be. As you wish, so shall I become. Complacency is such an acceptable form of existence these days, don’t you agree? .

Yet here I am, a full-grown woman. And sometimes I am a man. Maybe I am even a child. Who I want to be in the end is still the question that remains unanswered. Where I want to find my self is still a blur. I have mastered how to help everyone. I have assumed their personality for the sake of balance - what a farce!

You might consider my life as compared to purgatory if you will, or perhaps it is a sanctuary. It is the seclusion (or delusion?) that I have created for myself. I believe this to be another means to protect those that I hold dear to me. You will see me forever longing to receive understanding, yet never achieving the goal of harmony.

You will notice from my writing that I am unstable and a bit unidentifiable. That perspective of me is completely understanding. Yet, in these last few sentences, you can envision me. You will notice dark eyes (a pool of black, really), you will see someone who is willing to care. You will find yourself feeling secure since I will never blame you. Your secrets will be safe with me. What you won’t see is the dark child inside me. She is still the little one who cowers from love. She hides in corners at night for solace and safety. She fantasizes about a less painful existence.

Someday we might really experience me.

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